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When they were little, it was so easy – bumper pads in the crib and a fence around the yard.
Now that they are older keeping them safe is less about building fences than it is about building their inner resources so they can keep themselves safe. We will not be there when alcohol and other drugs are offered to them. But we can make them less vulnerable to the wrong choice.
This is how:
Values are not something we teach our kids. Values are what we live and our kids absorb them by living with us. It’s important that we understand what we are already communicating to our kids.
As parents we need to think through and develop our own family values about issues like:
- alcohol
- tobacco
- illegal drugs
- prescription drugs
- sex
- pornography
- honesty
….and others.
Researchers tell us that the best predictor of how a young person will handle alcohol and other drugs, is their parents’ use.
What is normal in your family?
Under what circumstances are alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs consumed by family members?
Stress is often used as the reason why people use alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. Is it normal, for the adults in your family to:
- Pop a beer when they walk in the door because “It was a terrible commute?”
- Take prescription drugs to help you “cope with my miserable job.”
- Get together with old friends and tell “war stories” about their youth “...when Joe was so drunk he drove all the way home on the sidewalk”
These behaviours, modeled by parents and other adults in the family circle become the “family norm” for what is acceptable behaviour.
For better or for worse, children learn from what they see their parents do. We need to role model the behaviours we want to see in our children.
For example:
- Handle our own stress in constructive ways like going for a walk.
- Deal with persistent sources of stress in our lives by making changes that will eliminate those sources of stress. (e.g., finding a new job)
- Find remedies for aches and pains that offer alternatives to reaching for drugs (prescription and over-the-counter) so that our children don’t grow up believing that drugs solve problems.
- Take care of ourselves. To have the energy and resources we need to be good parents we need:
- to be rested
- to spend time with the friends that make us feel good
- to do activities that sustain and renew us
- Live satisfying and fulfilling lives ourselves. The most powerful lesson we can give our children is to be happy people ourselves.
- Involve both parents/other good adult role models in our child’s life. Children need the role modeling of both men and women in their lives.
- Teach moral and social responsibility. Risk-taking behaviours often involve activities that may harm other people (e.g., drinking and driving). By example, we teach that we all have a responsibility to others.
One of the risk factors that make kids more vulnerable to drug use themselves is:
“Hanging out with friends who are drinking and using drugs.”
Parents cannot choose their children’s friends but since friendships tend to be formed through common activities and interests, parents can:
- steer their kids into those activities where family values will be reflected
- make their home a place where kids want to come
- get to know their kids’ friends and their families
- work with the community to ensure there are healthy activities for kids
- encourage involvement in their faith community
- encourage volunteer work
- encourage other adults you trust to form a relationship with your child and do things with them
Research shows that the hours between school and a parent’s arrival home from work are a high-risk time for experimentation with alcohol, drugs, and other risky behaviours.
- look for alternatives to them being home alone
- limit amount of time at home alone
- clearly communicate what your expectations are regarding alcohol/drugs and other kids in the house
- teach them the skills to stay safe
- internet safety
- use of kitchen appliances and fire safety
- emergency numbers
- talk through “what if” scenarios
Other high risk times are during unsupervised activities like parties and sleepovers:
- supervise activities happening within your own home
- ensure that a responsible adult is supervising parties and sleepovers at other homes where your child/teen will be at
- talk through “what if” scenarios
- make a pact with your kids that you will pick them up anytime, at any hour they call, no questions asked at pick up
From the day they are born, our children are marching towards independence. Rather than making it a battleground, parents can use their child’s natural drive for independence to teach them how to keep themselves safe. We do this by negotiating ever-expanding boundaries with them.
For example: When they are eager to find their own way back and forth to the movies with their friends (but no adults), it might be managed (over time) like this:
Step One – Parent drops them off and picks them up, but they can go in and enjoy the movies without adult supervision.
Step Two – They can take the bus to the movies, but a parent picks them up after.
Step Three – They can take the bus to the movies, but they must all chip in on a cab for the ride home.
Step Four – Older teen makes own arrangements for getting to and from movies.
Youth need to learn how to make good decisions. And they need to learn how their decisions worked out – learn from the consequences.
They will not learn anything if their parent “fixes” their mistakes. Learning only sticks if we have to live with or fix our own mistakes.
Most of the decisions that we make everyday are done in a heartbeat – which shoes to put on, whether to have cereal or toast, read a book or watch TV? This is where children begin learning to make decisions. As decisions become more complex, they can be taught how to make good decisions by following a process:
1. LOOK
Identify the problem or choice that is faced.
2. THINK
• List the choices available in this situation.
• Gather information about each choice.
• What are the likely consequences or results of the choice?
• Can the choice be reversed?
Let kids take the lead on defining the choices, but if they are stuck, ask questions.
What other possibilities might there be?
What have other kids in your situation done?
What else could you try?
Do you see any other way to handle this?
3. DECIDE
• Make a choice
•
Evaluate the choice. Did you get the result you expected?
If it is not life-threatening or will impart permanent harm, and the decision is appropriate to their age, let them make it. They need practice making decisions and learning from the consequences of those decisions.
Once kids walk out the door, they are making their own decisions. Their parent will not be there when they are offered their first opportunity to experiment with alcohol and other drugs. The person who is in the best position to keep a teen safe is him/herself.
Encourage them to pay attention to their instincts, their gut feelings. When those feelings are sending out warning messages and they’ve decided they need to extract themselves from a situation, it can help to have practiced refusal strategies.
Depending on the situation:
- Refuse – “Don’t feel like it.” “No way.”
- Make an excuse – “I’ll barf.” “I have to get up in the morning.”
- Recruit an ally to help change the dynamics.
- Blame their parents – “My Mom can smell this stuff a mile away and I’ll get grounded for months.”
- Come up with a better idea – “Nah, that doesn’t sound like much fun. Let’s go play video games at my house instead.”
- Leave – either quietly while no one notices or by making an excuse or joke out of it. “You guys are too crazy for me ...see you later.”
Some kids have such a strong sense of themselves, they have no problem just saying, “no” and getting respect for it. Others will find that recruiting an ally, someone who thinks like they do, will help. Most can use some coaching in how to say “no” in a way that lets them off the hook with their peer group, without being ostracized.
Role play scenarios with them, having them play the part of the kid who is offering the alcohol or other drugs. They will know the kind of language and pressure tactics that might be used by their peers. You play the part of “them,” using the strategies suggested above.
Teach them to plan ahead.
The best way to get out of sticky situations is to not be there in the first place. Teach your kids to think through what is most likely to happen and make their plans accordingly. That’s the smartest kind of prevention.
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